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This piece is for people in relationships and for those of You that want more intimacy in them.

A lot of our experience on this planet is fueled by desire. This is neither good or bad this is stating a fact that has come to me from years of observations.

Depending on where You are in Your life experience and growth levels, You either suppress Your desires or allow them. What does suppressing them mean?

Suppressing Your desires means constantly mind fucking them “away” or going into addictions to suppress thoughts of them.

What does allowing Your desires mean in this context?

It means allowing thoughts of desires occur while observing them and feeling feelings that arise from those thoughts.

A good real life example.

If You are a woman(or a man) and You have fantasies of having sex with multiple men or even a room full of them, you constantly try to suppress them by drinking or social interaction. This can obviously take many forms. In the back of Your mind You might be even scared that this desire or fantasy is not okay. That in turn will lead to even more suppression and addiction.

What would allowing that fantasy or desire look like?

You allow Yourself to go into that fantasy and fully be penetrated by all these men. Feeling Your hornyness and desire fully. Or watch movies that have that imagery in them. Or You might go out into the world and actually do this. Fulfilling that fantasy in real life. Whichever way You Yourself decide to do it, keep in mind that this is the path towards freedom.

And even talking about it to someone You deeply trust can reveal much about Your actual desire. It might turn out that just being witnessed in that desire is totally enough for You and there is no need to take any further action.

The other scenario is that You suppress those desires and start eating more (at the same time not knowing why You are eating even, because by that time the desire is suppressed so deeply into Your subconscious that You Yourself even don’t know that You have that desire).

And then being in a committed relationship (having suppressed that desire and doing what “grown up people” should do) years later You find Yourself drunk at a party being penetrated by strangers. Hurting the people You made promises to. And maybe Yourself as well.

How can our darker desires be handled more healthily?

In this very scenario the man or the woman can express these feelings to their partner or trusted confidant.

Being open about our desires to people closest to us creates trust and love in our relationships. Even if it’s something hard for the other person to receive it is still best in the long run.

Another example of a real life conversation.

A person, male or female is at a party and meets someone they really like. Now they have made promises and agreements with their partner or friend that they would like to renegotiate. Or better yet they already know before the party that they would like different agreements.

It’s best to disclose these desires before anything happens. From a personal perspective of keeping Your own integrity intact and from the place of considering Your partners feelings. A more healthy approach in my view.

Here’s one more example to really get this point through.

You are in a close, committed relationship and feel the desire to have more closeness, intimacy and attention from Your partner. But for some reason (they might have a lot on their table or they are not really interested in that) they are not giving those things in a relationship. There are a few scenarios how this can go but here’s one popular one. The person does not disclose their desire and starts suppressing that. At first it’s a few shitty, hurtful comments here and there, then it’s more until two people who live together are not even talking to each other.

And in the end one or both of them go out and start looking for other partners/friends.

How can we act differently in these situations?

The person who has desire towards more intimacy, openness and attention can express that to their partner.

A very simple way of doing that is just saying that “Hey honey, I would really love it if we took more time for one another and shared more intimate stories about our lives.”

From that point both parties know what’s going on and can make informed decisions. The space is open, the conversation is happening.

Super easy and simple to do. And yet so hard.

We want people to get it on their own while doing nothing in return. I get it, I’m lazy sometimes as well but it truly builds more trust and intimacy in a relationship when we just express our needs and desires to those we want in our lives.

Being in the know creates safety and trust, while doing those things secretly (even if You disclose them after) destroys trust.

PS! I use extreme examples in this article because I know that sex sells and is very intriguing to read about.

Ian Altosaar

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