boyandgirl

Image source: http://www.newsnish.com/tips/health-tips/seven-types-of-love-you-might-experience-in-your-life/

I’m sitting by the fireplace at my families country home. Journaling. Journaling about a specific topic this time. My desire. My desire with women and life in general. When I was first introduced to this exercise the first thing that came up was “I don’t know”. Mostly directed towards my desire with women. I decided to let it be, a little worried I carried on with my week. The question “What is My desire?” marinated in me for days, coming to surface once in a while, rearing it’s head and asking “What is Your desire, what do You want from life, women?”. Still my answer remained “I don’t know”. And I was mostly fine with it. “I still got time to find it out, to search for it”, I thought. But today something has been brewing inside of me, it started with a Bryan Adams song “Inside out”. A song I can deeply relate to. I have to mention here that Bryan Adams has written so many songs that get me emotional and bring the tears out. This is a special skill this man has developed, connecting with himself and life to such a deep degree that he can awaken these same emotions in others with his creation. I love that, I really do. I appreciate it in a man or a woman a lot. This song suddenly came to me, I hadn’t heard it for a long time. This morning it was suddenly on repeat in my head. I had to listen to it.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcDWJe5wPec]

As I listen to it again, I feel soft, a longing, deep, feels right. Here are the lyrics:

“Inside Out”

the biggest lie you ever told – your deepest fear ’bout growin’ old
the longest night you ever spent – the angriest letter you never sent
the boy you swore you’d never leave – the one you kissed on new years’s eve
the sweetest dream you had last night — your darkest hour, your hardest fightI wanna know you – like I know myself
I’m waitin’ for you – there ain’t no one else
talk to me baby – scream and shout
I want to know you – inside out
I wanna dig down deep – I wanna lose some sleep
I wanna scream and shout – I wanna know you inside out
I wanna take my time – I wanna know your mind
ya know there ain’t no doubt – I wanna know you inside out

the saddest song you ever heard – the most you said with just one word
the loneliest prayer you ever prayed – the truest vow you ever made
what makes you laugh, what makes you cry what makes you mad, what gets you by
you highest hight, your lowest low – these things I want to know

I wanna know you – like I know myself
I’m waitin’ for you – there ain’t no one else
talk to me baby – scream and shout
I want to know you – inside out
I wanna dig down deep – I wanna lose some sleep
I wanna scream and shout – I wanna know you inside out
I wanna take my time – I wanna know your mind
ya know there ain’t no doubt – I wanna know you inside out
I wanna know your soul – I wanna lose control
c’mon n’ let it out – I wanna know you inside out
ya gotta dig down deep – I wanna lose some sleep
I wanna scream and shout – I wanna know you inside out
tell me everything…

 

This seems true to me. Everything he talks about here I have desire to do. But it really is scary. I haven’t been able to do this in the past. I have tried. I think I succeeded to some extent. Here’s my desire with women:

 

Dear Women,

I want to open You up. I want You to surrender to me, to trust me. I want to earn that trust and keep it. I want You to want me, I want to want You deeply. I want to be present with You, I want to keep my integrity. I want to call You on Your bullshit, I want You to call me on mine. I want to learn how to react calmly when You do, it’s difficult for me. I want to see You, I want to learn from You. I want to teach You, I want You to see me. I want You to share with me, I want You to give me space. I want to share with You, I want to give You space but it’s hard for me to do sometimes because I’m needy. I want to fuck You, to ravish You, I want to hold You, I want to be with You. I want to be open with You but I don’t know how. I want to connect with You, it’s hard for me. I want You to give me time. I want to give You time. I want to receive Your love as well as give love as openly as I possibly can in every moment. I want to expand with You and without You. I want to be together and separate at the same time. I want to keep my identity as well as You to keep Yours. Again this has been difficult for me. I want to look at You with burning desire, the one where I need to have You now, I ask the same from You. I want to grow old with You, this is scary as hell for me. I want to support You and let You do Your own thing, I kindly ask the same from You. I want to know Your mine. Not in a owning kind of way but in a deep feeling kind of way. I want to want You more each day til the day our paths part ways. I want to let You love me. I want to show Myself to You, I want You to accept me, I will do my best to accept You. I’m scared to see the whole You but I’m willing to. I want You to Honor me and My boundaries, I want to do the same for You. I want us to be friends and lover’s. I want to hug You and take You from behind. I love to take You from behind. I want You to accept Me on My bad days as well as provide You with the same privilege. I want Us to care for each other deeply, filling up one another. I want Us to feel safe with each other. I want to gaze in Your eyes and feel like I’m home. I want You to rest Your head on My chest. I want to wake up next to You and say I love You and mean it. I want Us to hold each other when we need to and say our goodbyes if we ever may want to…

 

Ravishingly, deeply, lovingly and with more appreciation for You Women,

 

Ian

 

Dear Life,

 

I’m scared of You sometimes but this is what I desire from You. I want to expand with You, this scares me but I’m beginning to understand this is the only way to live. I want to be free, be Me. Whatever that may look like. I want to flow with You, I want to learn how to accept You in Your bad and good days alike. I’m slowly learning that. Feels like every line I write I want to emphasize that I’m scared, and I am. I want to know You, learn from You. I want to achieve everything I can possibly achieve, go as far as I can go. I want to create, I want to create big things that serve Me and people on this planet. I want to trust You, really finding it difficult sometimes but You have shown Me that it’s possible. I want to love and be loved, to share Myself. I want to give it all I got. I want to know the great mysteries. I want to offer Myself to others as well as receive them with My full capacity. I want to succeed, whatever that may look like to Me. Just slowly discovering this. I want to live on the edge some days and retreat to My cave when I feel like it. I want to heal My wounds as much as I can and if I’m ever called upon, help others heal theirs. I want to feel safe. I want to empower Myself and others. To lead and be led. To grow, this is one of the scariest things about You when You are in the midst of it but coming out has always been worth it. Still scary though. I want to Respect and Honor You, to serve You. I will do My best to do all those things.

 

Respectfully, lovingly and a little scared,

 

Ian

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