The burning of the yearning

Web web with Skeleton

Image source: https://www.chicagocostume.com/spiders-spider-webs/

Have You ever felt yearning for someone or something? I have. It feels like something outside of You is pulling You towards that thing/person/situation and at the same time You really don’t have a chance to get it. Lot of stories come up. Why is this like this, it’s supposed to be like that etc. Part of the suffering are the stories. But this is not new information. I have to take the time and say here that a lot of this understanding is thanks to Eivind Skjellum, one of my teachers, who is the creator of the Reclaim Your Inner Throne training. I will describe sitting with the yearning(or just the feeling that comes up, it doesn’t have to be yearning) from my perspective. In my case the yearning is for love. From people, things, the world etc.

Firstly I would like to say this is hard work. I’m sharing my experience so for You it might be easy. The feeling usually starts from my back and moves up in my arms, shoulders and chest. It’s a tightening feeling, like a wall of some sorts. Like I can imagine being stuck in a huge spider’s web would feel like. You can’t be but You can move. Like Your mind is stuck in a spider’s web and thanks to that, You along with it. I’ve been sitting with it more, still going for my addictions but a little less. More being and less going. Then less being and more going. But the results after being with it are some much better than numbing Myself have ever been. I feel lighter in my body a lot more, feel the capacity of my awareness expanding. It’s as almost I want to be with myself more. I want to just sit and be with Myself in that difficult moment. I don’t really like the word owe but seems somewhat appropriate here. I owe Myself the presence to be with all of this. And it’s scary as fucking hell. Super-dooper scary. But the more I do it, the more I enjoy the afterglow. The freedom that comes after that. After each time I see the world differently, I welcome it more deeply than I’ve ever welcomed it before. It’s new, it’s a new world, it’s a new way of being again and again. It’s freedom, it’s knowing, it’s alchemy (Eivind uses this term often, as I’m writing I can see Myself impacted by him on many levels, it’s a bit scary and nice at the same time), it’s deepness, it’s depth, it’s nothing and everything at once. I’m still afraid of pain but a little less. And I can see the benefits of it more clearly.

Went to my grandparents house on Sunday. Noticed lately that My mom has started calling me Dear again. Or she always has and I just hadn’t noticed it. It feels super good actually. I do enjoy the slow progress our relationship has made. Don’t know exactly where this has come from but a while back I decided to start hugging her Myself, not to wait for her to hug me. This has helped. Both My parents have been super helpful in finding my childhood toy, something I’ve been searching for. This support is very important to me and I thank You both. Found pictures that spoke to my heart and the Little Ian inside of me. Here’s one of them:

2015-12-06 19.24.27

When I look at those faces on this picture, my heart just melts. I can see the softness and caring of My mother. I can see the deep goodness and empathy of my father. The openness, sweetness and happiness of Myself. I had forgotten those things. That was replaced by stories I made true in my head. And to be honest they still hurt, probably will hurt until I’m alive. But gazing my eyes over this picture, I forgot about all of them. Makes me giggle constantly 😀 . I will carry this picture with me until I’m ready to release it. Jesus Christ he is adorable!!!

Next week:

  • Finish projects You have started. Reclaim Your Inner Throne training homework, training calls, teleseminars etc.
  • Sports betting, attend live games, do one thing at a time. Be present when making decisions. Breathe the attention in Your body.
  •  Fill out Your daily diary.
  • Write down ideas, dreams, synchronicities, events etc.
  • Eat a vegetarian diet, plus eggs.
  • Meditate when You feel like it, take time for it.
  • Exercise at least 4 times a week.
  • Meet people in real life, do smth fun.
  • Continue with anal de-armouring.
  • Practice feeling Your feelings and being present with Yourself. Say Your thoughts out loud.
  • Sleep.
  • Draw or color smth. Create something.
  • Remember Your presence and take life as it is.
  • Daily brain training at http://www.lumosity.com.

<3

Ian

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