Who am I?

Nothingness

Image source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klbBJM-QcZE

To tell You the truth, I don’t know. It seems like I’ve taken on so many beliefs and stories from the outside, all this bullshit about how to be and not to be. Too much self development and I’ve become a certain type of sociopath. Or maybe that’s too strong of a word. I mean I’m in my head too much. Thinking about the ways I should act, be, respond, open up, presence, fucking kundalini etc. In the end it’s all fucking bullshit. Just finding new ways to manipulate the reality I’m in. It gets really tiring quickly. So wearisome that I’ve been in bed for the last three days with illness. It has really put things into new perspective for me, life in general. I’m wanting to be more of me, more of the real me. Not someone I’ve read about in a book or even do the things I’ve read in books, seen in videos. Done workshops with. The rabbit hole goes so deep at the moment, I can see myself more clearly, fuuck. Frustration, how could I let myself become this. But I do understand actually. Being without an identity for so long it’s easy to get lost in all that stuff. “Do this so women will be that way to You, do that so You will get another thing”. Feels like I’ve been here before. In all honesty I just want to be loved for who I am, like every other person on this planet. And the self help industry offers us a solution: “Love Yourself first”. Yes, there is some truth in that and it does help. But for me it has become increasingly more frustrating. Again I come to the conclusion that I hold the belief “The way I really am is unlovable”. I can see myself in social situations right now. Layers and layers of stuff that isn’t me. Kind of painful to look at. I’m tired of writing. So I’m going to stop. I don’t know anything. In the words of Billie Joe Armstrong:

“My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone”

Next week:

  • Finish projects You have started. Reclaim Your Inner Throne training homework, training calls, teleseminars etc.
  • Sports betting, attend live games, do one thing at a time. Be present when making decisions. Breathe the attention in Your body.
  •  Fill out Your daily diary.
  • Write down ideas, dreams, synchronicities, events etc.
  • Eat a vegetarian diet, plus eggs.
  • Meditate when You feel like it, take time for it.
  • Exercise at least 4 times a week.
  • Meet people in real life, do smth fun.
  • Continue with anal de-armouring.
  • Practice feeling Your feelings and being present with Yourself. Say Your thoughts out loud.
  • Sleep.
  • Draw or color smth.
  • Remember Your presence and take life as it is.
  • Daily brain training at http://www.lumosity.com.

Love this:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9KghSdpGn4]
<3

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