In The Trenches

2015-06-19 22.20.03Image source: My families farmhouse in Ida-Virumaa, Estonia. Taken during sunset last summer.

When You feel like crap or are depressed it’s like someone or something has pulled a grey veil over Your eyes. Everything seems pointless. I have no apparent reason to feel like this but I do. I’ve felt like this for a long time. Feels like I’m being devoured by the ever deepening sadness. I hear people speak and they might as well speak in mandarin. I don’t understand why they are telling me this. Everything they talk about I perceive empty. Everything they do keeps me guessing why on earth are we doing this? Why on earth am I doing this? I see people struggling, nobody seems to enjoy this earth plane experience and at the moment neither do I. People who do, seem to be brainwashed by the new age community “Be happy all the time, focus on the positive” agenda. There’s nothing wrong with that and I use it as well from time to time. But seeing it always makes me want to vomit (This is harsh but it’s my truth in this moment). The whole truth is I’m talking about myself because I am the greatest bullshitter. Life isn’t huffy fluffy (A term by Alex Vartman) all the time. And You don’t have to feel good every moment of every day. This experience we opted into is one of challenge and suffering. As well as joy and laughter.

I’ve been watching some photographs of the new age teachers on facebook lately. Every fake grin they make (and this is a personal judgement, they might feel like this for real, but I doubt they do all the time, for some reason they don’t post pictures of themselves going through tough times) is hard to watch for me. It seems so fake and even other peoples posts. Don’t really believe any of it. It is possible it is just me and they do feel like this every moment of every day. But to me this is the opposite of connection. I’m interested in who You really are. With Your joy as well as Your sorrow. I’m interested in the real stuff what’s inside of You. The pain You’ve gone through to get to this place and I believe there has been plenty of it. I’m curious to know if You feel insecure about life n things because I do, and when we bullshit each other there is no connection. There’s only more layers of bullshit on top of each other. After talking to someone who is bullshitting the shit out of everything You feel empty, at least I do. And I do it too. If You are interested in sharing Your real story with me, I’m open to it. I welcome it with open arms. I trust You more after that, my love for You grows deeper after that. I feel like maybe I’m not all alone in this crazy world. Even if it’s just for a moment.

And I know it’s scary. It’s super scary. Everybody who has ever been rejected by someone knows this. As I’m writing this I do feel like I’m all alone because most of the people I’ve had a special connection with (or I have at least believed that to be true) have rejected me. And this is sad, insanely sad. Thinking about it feels gut-wrenchingly bad. But this is where I am in this moment. I too am scared. But I’m beginning to understand that this is the only way towards truth and connection. Being Yourself in every moment. This is me right now feeling like crap:

2015-11-28 11.16.15

<3

Ian

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