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I’ve disappointed many people during my lifetime. But the person I’ve let down the most is myself.
My heart has been broken into a million pieces and I’ve had to put it together many times.
You see none of those other people really matter that much, they come and go but the only one You are stuck with, is Yourself.
It is really hard being a man right now. Discovering by Yourself what that really means in this world, when the outside is affirming Your own disappointments at every given moment.
People speaking from their own pain and projecting their wounds on to You. And we have to live with it. Because that’s what men do. We get on with it, we persevere, we endure, we are strong and we are the ones meant to hold this world together. Even when the madness and pain are shoved in our faces.
During difficult times like these I’ve given up many times, I’m thinking about giving up even now. But I can’t. It’s in my blood to fight for what is right, even if everyone else thinks it’s wrong.
I realize that men have done horrible things on this planet, so have women, so has everybody. We are all bad and good. We have the worst in us and the best. And everything in between.
Deep emotion is good, it’s necessary to have that as a human being. That’s one of the things that really makes us human. But just emotion will get us nowhere. It is just one part of the equation. We need a strong container to hold and have that emotion. That’s where men come in.
As men, we are born with this deeper sense of self, a sense of worth and presence. It lives at our very core, it courses through our veins, we exude life.
But life gets tough sometimes. Things happen, pain happens, darkness teaches us lessons, hard lessons.
And we forget, we let the pain define our self-worth. If let simmering under the surface, it poisons our lives. Our hearts turn to stone and our world seems meaningless. This has happened to me many times. It seems each time more painful than the other.
Until I have the courage to look deep within, to face what I’m afraid of.
It’s one of the funniest, most cruel paradoxes of this life. I’m very afraid of losing other people’s love. And yet at the same time I know, deep down, I am the very essence of that love I’m so afraid of losing. I cannot ever lose it if I myself don’t decide to give it away.
In other words, the very knowing and accepting of that fear, staring it in the face, is what actually reminds me of who I really am.
If You cannot love then You are afraid of something and not admitting it to Yourself. You are in denial of who You truly are.
If You are capable of loving Yourself or something outside of Yourself, then You know You are afraid. Then You know Yourself and knowing Yourself is what actually makes You capable of love.
You are allowing Yourself, You are allowing who You truly, really are. Everything in existence is moving through You in that very moment. You become God and one with the Universe. That’s who You are truly meant to be. This is true power, the true power of a human being.
Ian Altosaar
