For a while, I’ve been feeling like I’m not the man I’m supposed to be. And not by society’s standards, by my own understanding.

I’ve been living a lie to some extent.

The clothes that I wear make no sense anymore.

The work I do feels unfulfilling.

The way I show up in my relationships has been mediocre at best.

I’ve been going through transformation without even understanding it. This has brought me a lot of suffering.

We are conscious creatures and if there’s is something in our awareness that is constantly nagging us, we need to know what it is. We want freedom and knowing this brings us freedom.

But not knowing something can bring us suffering because the mind needs to know. It needs to understand what is going on, as well as this reality.

It is hardest in that in-between state. Where You even don’t know what’s going on. When You don’t know that You are changing and wanting to change.

When this becomes to our awareness, at least we know now what is happening to us. We can look for different ways of being. We can gradually start changing.

This is hard for everybody. It is for me.

Shedding old skin without the knowing of what’s going to replace it.

It feels cold and uncomfortable but You can’t really go back to what was either. That feels even stranger and after a while, the nagging of the soul starts again.

It’s not that the soul wants something bad for You, it’s actually our or in this case, my resistance to change.

So I sit here, watching the grey sky outside. The season changing, as am I. It seems robust and too sudden for me. But for nature, this is what’s supposed to happen.

It is the same for me but I have forgotten. Only now am starting to remember again.

Ian Altosaar


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