What I Was Going Through

Image source: Photo by Rodrigo Rodriguez on Unsplash

The following was written a while back. I thought about deleting this all together but something changed my mind. I wanted people to see real life struggle, real-life transition, real-life vulnerability and admitting to myself what I’m really going through. I hope this helps You to do the same.

Because there is tremendous freedom in just acknowledging where You currently are in Your experience. It is allowing life itself to pierce through You. It is allowing Yourself to be You.

“Today I’m just going to write what I’m going through. I’m really scared about people hating me and being upset with me.

So this fear itself has me sometimes paralyzed and subconsciously sabotaging myself with it. Not doing enough when I need to etc. And actually, I don’t really want to do anything at the moment. Or at least most of it.

That makes me even more scared. Now is actually the time to make some moves happen and at the same time keep a healthy balance with it.

It’s strange because I still notice myself doing the things to not feel not good enough. Almost always in the end still feel like that, that I’m still not good enough. Annoying little paradox.

So I’m really scared right now. I’m worried about money and how I’m going to survive or actually provide myself and my family. I’m really worried that I’m doing the wrong things and these things won’t provide me with the income I so desperately crave.

It’s still this ongoing fear that I have to keep on my toes all the time otherwise life will pass me by and I will not know anything about anything.

So I learn to survive, I do like the learning, sometimes even immensely but don’t know if it’s going to be enough. I really don’t know but I hope it’s going to be alright. Fuck, fucking fuck.

I even know that I’m in transition, changing businesses, trying new things, making those things work, learning, putting new skills to the test but it’s all really vulnerable because I don’t have any tangible results.

But I hope it all works out and I’m not totally insane with all those crystals and energies and learning etc.

What will happen if I’m wrong?

Then all of what I’ve been preaching about and talking about will be found out as bullshit. I’m still proving myself to the world but life is so much more enjoyable for me when I’m just me and doing the things I like and enjoy more. I really hope I can get to the place where I’m wanting to go.”

Ian Altosaar

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