Image source: Photo by Holly Mandarich on Unsplash

It’s funny how I still want to prevent things
Not being cheated on or global warming or terrorism
Those are all fine things to prevent
Although a lot of it is me not wanting to feel the pain associated with those things
Not wanting to be controlled
And then again controlling myself
A quite humorous paradox of life
What is it that I really want then?
I rarely ask this question but I have begun asking it more often as of late
The answer is usually freedom
When I ask now, the same feeling associated with that word echoes through my body
At this moment there is another word associated with it, power
Powerful freedom
Because freedom in itself can be a disassociation
With this life
But truly powerful freedom means being in the midst of it head on
Being a surfer of the waves of life with truthful presence
This is where the mind comes in because there’s unbelievable power in the mind
When trained accordingly and for long periods of time, it can yield favorable results for the person doing the training
The ability to even differentiate Yourself from Your thoughts takes practice and the power of presence
It takes mindful, deliberate action, every day
Until the day You die
Somewhere in between those places in time
You will probably achieve some kind of mastery with Your mind
And I say with because it’s always with something or someone
The illusion of separation is a strong perception of the mind as well
But as You journey on, You will have moments of clarity
It will all melt away
In those moments You will feel one with everything and everyone
Those can be tricky places to maneuver as well
You see the mind wants to grasp on to those experiences and make them it’s everything
That’s easy because in that You might go Your whole life without knowing pain and Yourself intimately
What might be the greatest paradox of them all is, in doing that You experience (unknowingly) considerable amounts of pain and suffering
Either way, You choose
Either way, there is pain
And either way, You will die

There is beauty in the midst of experiencing and knowing pain
Usually, I can’t see it during the struggle itself
Because the mind knows and it will fuck with You at that moment
It will say “I’ve been here before and I know what will come after this, so I just have to endure this, then I’ll get my rewards.”

In that, I silently take away my privilege of knowing myself and life more deeply

Because life wants openness, it breathes for, nay it yearns for expansion

And true expansion comes from allowing, allowing of my contact with life

The nitty-gritty, in the mud and in the sun training with life

However much I myself want to run away from it

And at the same time, I want to jump in it and let it take me home, to sweet surrender

With sweet surrender

Ian Altosaar


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