How my ex convinced me I’m a narcissist and how she was wrong – hard lessons in self-love and emotional maturity

This a cautionary tale for people who are diagnosing others with narcissism. And for people who are truly suffering in abusive situations and doing their best to gather emotional maturity.

I see a lot of people giving this diagnosis out left and right, in groups, online, in YouTube video comments, etc.

I was recently personally diagnosed under a YouTube video I did with a friend and colleague because I was “listening to him like a person with a narcissistic personality disorder”…

It is wild that people think they can diagnose people with this deep disorder “through a couple of videos and articles online”.

It requires years of practice, personal experience, study, and working with people = don’t take this lightly.

The following story happened a long time ago. Almost 10 years to be even more exact. I was a completely different person then.

The Spiritual awakening

Although it is portrayed like this online, spiritual awakening has little to do with standing with Your arms wide on a beach or mountain…

I had just had my spiritual awakening. Kundalini running, starting to see spirits and prophetic dreams.

I was emotionally in a very delicate position. If I had been in the Osho community (watch the Wild Wild Country documentary) = I would have probably experienced a lot of emotional and spiritual abuse.

My psychological, emotional, and intellectual footing wasn’t there. I wasn’t yet strong enough.

The relationship begins

Everything was “magical” at the beginning.

Through a spiritual website, I met a more experienced and deeper woman.

A Scorpio, who had more emotional capacity, and emotional skills to use for good but to also use for manipulation. She had been in the “spiritual and psychological game” for a long time.

The relationship between us was fine at first = as long as I did whatever she wanted. You can most likely see that neglecting Yourself and “doing whatever the other person wants” isn’t the best basis for a relationship…

At that time I didn’t understand (I would get to that deeper place later) = I was doing this to please her, to get love from her. I didn’t yet have it within myself. I didn’t have the emotional maturity needed to make better decisions.

In that specific process = I was also giving a part of myself away.

As the relationship went on, so did I on my own personal development and growth path. Became a lot stronger, and understood things on a much deeper level. I started understanding this dynamic.

Understanding the dynamic of pleaser vs person in control

I have no idea why I chose this image but it somehow speaks to the situation.

Very often women choose men they can control like this (through love) because they didn’t receive love from their fathers. They couldn’t control their father. And now looking for men they can control for love (pleasers).

As well as men choose women like that to please = because that’s what they had to do in their childhood with their mothers. Mothers didn’t love them enough, they had to start pleasing the mother figure to get small doses of love. A way for mothers to control their sons = because they don’t love themselves. They need to get it from somewhere.

Both parties had experienced emotional neglect in their childhoods.

As I started to unpack this pattern, I started finding a voice within the relationship.

Which is just a fancy way of saying = I started to say what I actually want to do, how I want to be, how I want to live.

You can imagine that didn’t go over too well.

If a person is still in that fear of “I need to control someone in order to get love” they will not take a person’s liberty or newfound freedom lightly.

Things took a turn from good to bad – the first signs of emotional maturity

It looked a little like this but way worse in real life.

What started happening?

First, I became selfish = just because I had the balls and courage to say what I feel, think, and want.

Looking back at it = this should have been my first clue.

A hard lesson number one = when a person starts to say You are selfish when You are expressing things in a manner of “I think I want to do this”, “This I believe is right in life and in relationships”, “I want to go there and do this”, “I think this is right”.

When all these things become wrong = You are in danger of being controlled and manipulated.

I didn’t have the emotional or psychological strength to deal with something like this. She was extremely smart and knowledgeable about psychological processes (more than I at the time = later she became one of the biggest reasons for me to go deeper and understand more about all of it and this has brought me to a place where I can finally work with people).

She could literally find crafty ways of making my newfound freedom wrong and convince me that I was selfish to want these things.

Selfish to finally want to live my own life…

The true manipulation of “You are a narcissist” subtly starts

I was wrapped around all of these manipulations she was feeding me.

She started sending me videos about narcissism = and said look, that’s You.

In my naivety, I believed her. Or some of it. I was confused. Feels incredibly raw and vulnerable to admit this publicly. I know many people will judge me but the importance of sharing this story is bigger than this.

I was so deeply afraid of losing her love that I suppressed my thoughts, and ideas about who I was. And even the reactions when I was watching these videos = that they weren’t actually a lot to do with me.

She convinced me that I was wrong, and she was right.

In my fear of losing her love, I submitted to her wants and desires once again. Losing myself in the process. A deeper hole within myself that would be healed later…

But because she was more experienced, and seemed to have a very deep understanding of how psychology works, and the love wound within myself (and the lack of emotional maturity) = I started believing her more and more. This was a dark time.


Doubting the manipulations – a ray of light

I was in the dark, grasping for straws and managed to find at least a small one.

During all of my research into the pattern and diagnosis, I started doubting at least some of it.

I sought help from a therapist. She helped me to understand these dynamics. A blessing. She became one of my greatest helpers = there are good people out there.

As I was constantly still accused of being “too selfish”, just because I started to express my opinion and didn’t agree with everything anymore = the relationship finally ended.

But I was still deeply afraid of being a narcissist. A hell of a thing to be afraid of.

A side note for my fellow Libras. Because we have a tendency to identify ourselves through others or through the other = it’s easier for You to take on things that others say about You. Even things that are not true.

“If they say it = it must be true.”

The growth continues – emotional maturity arrives

I was like this lady but going even deeper. Spiritual hustle 24/7.

And at the same time, I was literally going so deep within my consciousness = still afraid of being a narcissist.

But luckily the breakup had put a lot of distance between me and her = I had time to grow emotionally (men’s work, certified coach etc, helping others, and healing my own pain, going deeper into astrology/psychology) = was at this time I started to realize how deeply misguided and manipulated I was. I really started to put the pieces together. And to see the pattern for what it was.

As I started to express who I was, what I wanted, and how I really saw situations between us = she had gotten scared because the control was slipping away from her.

She couldn’t control me anymore as much as she would have liked to = because when Scorpios (the unhealed Scorpionic energy) control = they feel safe.

When they can’t control = the fear from their childhood is triggered in order to be healed (in order for emotional maturity to be created). That was too much for her and the relationship ended.

The aftermath of the breakup

I probably felt like this dude in the picture.

It left a lot of guilt and shame within me. It took years to let go of and to grieve.

“How could I let myself be deceived like that?”

Mostly, I felt betrayed in many ways. I felt I had let myself down.

But if You understand Your own emotional wounds (and subconscious impulses) and how people can press on them = it will make it easier for You to first forgive Yourself. And later on, understand these dynamics within Your relationships.

Diagnosing someone with narcissism takes a long time, don’t let people who are in their own pain to project their fears onto You in order to control You. Especially if You are in a vulnerable place or position.

Know Yourself deeply, seek help, and grow stronger = then You can stand up for people like that and see these patterns and accusations for what they are.

Read more about narcissism and how to get away from it here.

Ian Altosaar

The Freedom Astrologer

Work with me:

Leave a Comment