Image source: My private collection. Tallinn, Estonia.

If You continue to look at death straight in it’s face
You will break regardless
If You happen to experience the bright side of life on some days

In between this constant dying
There might be periods of lighter existence
But don’t be fooled, death will catch You anyway
There is no escaping it
There is no controlling it
You will be broken, to many pieces
And You will see Your own wrongdoings so clearly
They will even hit You in the face
And You will fight and squirm
Beg for mercy
Try to trick it
Delude Yourself that You have beaten Your demons
But life’s going to show You otherwise

They will come back stronger
And You will think You will be ready
And that You have learned so much and are ready to conquer them
Fucking own them at their core
That’s not going to happen
You are going to die
The only thing You can actually do is die
Die repeatedly, many times
Do Your best to welcome it, embrace it as much as You can
Find the place of surrender
Then a new dawn might rise

Hopefully, when You are ready
You will be a slightly better person because of it
Enjoy those moments of ease, those in between places
All they really are
Preparation for Your next death
But You will not be prepared, unfortunately
I’ve experienced this so many times
It will catch You red handed, it might even seem evil
Don’t try to find the “positives” during the dying process itself
Oh no, that will just prolong Your inevitable death that’s coming to You at the speed of light regardless
Do Your best to observe it
Sit with it, be with it
Don’t try to think about it, those thoughts will only bring You more suffering
The clear thinking will come afterwards, take Your time
Do Your utmost best to show some love to Yourself
Others will undoubtedly show You no mercy
Because they can feel Your insecurities from a mile away
And we have not yet learned the art of empathy fully
So the rejections will be painful, I assure You
If You find some people that are willing to meet Your shit, consider Yourself lucky, show some gratitude if You can afterwards
These people are like diamonds in a big pile of shit
Thank them, really thank them
They are doing good work

Finally
Just go to Your death
And die peacefully
You’ve earned the reward of peace

Ian Altosaar


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