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My life for the last five years has been constant death with small windows of life in between deaths.

This has been at the same time one of the most hardest and most beautiful times of my life.

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Image source: https://www.pexels.com/photo/backlit-beautiful-clouds-color-392091/

I’ve lost many people, they have died or left or I have been the one who has ended the relationships. And sometimes life has taken it’s course and they came back. It’s strange and difficult.

I’ve lost many things, hobbies, events, interests etc. Many new ones have come in their place. It’s been very hard to let go of some of those, easier with others.

But the most painful deaths have been inside ones. You see as men or at least how it’s been for me is that I base my worth on different ideas of how life should be for me. Or how other people should act when they are in relationships with me. And sometimes it’s good, it’s good to have healthy boundaries. I still have them.

But other times I’ve controlled people with those ideas. That is not good in my opinion. We as humans want to have our freedom. Men, women, children, we all cherish our true birthright. Freedom.

Now comes the more vulnerable part.

I’ve let my fear of losing other people’s love control my life. And that fear has actually caused me to lose many people who I still hold dear to my heart. Maybe they will return someday, I hope they do.

What I really want to convey here is that death can be good. Depending on where You look at it. It definitely is painful as well, no doubt about it.

And the only person You really have to live with is Yourself. The more You like and enjoy Your own company, the more You allow the truth of who You are, the more You will enjoy each moment. Because this is actually freedom. Freedom to really be who you are.

The difficulty here is that You really have to get to know who You are.

And You have to let Your old self literally die in the process of discovering who You are. This is sad, unbelievably sad.

But after You come out of the darkness, it’s incredibly sweet. The pure sensation of just being Yourself, the greatest feeling of freedom.

If You are interested in more, check out my podcast:

Ian Altosaar


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